Kiley’s birthday was this past week. It has been almost five years since she passed, and lately I’ve been thinking about the woman she might have become.
I think she would have found herself. I honestly do.
I wonder whether she would have gone to college, what she would have chosen to do, and where life might have taken her. I don’t know the answers. I just know that when I think about my daughter, I still see possibilities. I saw them then, and I wish she’d had the time to discover them for herself.
That’s part of what I miss. There’s the person you knew and loved, and there are all the years you thought you would get to share. The conversations you might have had. The chance to see her become more comfortable with who she was.
I know I can’t change what happened. But knowing that doesn’t keep me from thinking about her. She’s my daughter. I miss her.
Later, I watched a movie on YouTube. It was a romance about a pastry chef who went home for her sister’s wedding and crossed paths with her high school love. There was a family business in trouble, a relationship back in New York, and the usual questions about whether two people would find their way back to each other.
But what stayed with me was the woman’s expression. She was beautiful to me, and there was a look in her eyes that I recognized. A warmth. The kind of look I long to receive from someone who wants to be there with me.
Yes, it was a movie. I knew that. Still, something about it brought someone I once cared about to mind. I had been drawn to that same look in her eyes.
I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing now. I’ve spent enough time wondering. She has had opportunities to reach out and give me the real connection I asked for, and that hasn’t happened. I can acknowledge what attracted me without continuing to wait for it to become something more.
There have been other people, too.
I remember meeting someone and being surprised by how quickly our conversation became personal. In an hour or an hour and a half, it felt like we had reached the kind of conversation you might expect several dates into getting to know someone. I was attracted to her. I felt a possibility there.
She didn’t feel that we aligned. And that’s okay. I don’t have to know every reason why. It didn’t become a relationship, but I can still appreciate having met her.
Other encounters have reminded me that attraction can surprise me. Someone catches my attention, and for a moment I remember that there are people I haven’t met and stories I haven’t lived yet. I don’t know which, if any, will become part of my life. I’m still open to finding out.
Missing my daughter and wanting companionship are different things. They happened to meet in my thoughts this weekend. One brought me back to someone I will always love. The other reminded me that I still want to share my life with someone.
I bring both to God. I don’t have a neat explanation for the loss, and I don’t know what lies ahead. But I can be honest with Him about what I miss and what I hope for.
Today, I’m thinking about Kiley. I wish I could see the woman she would have become. I wish we could have another conversation.
And as I keep living, I still hope to meet someone whose warmth is followed by presence. Someone I can get to know, spend time with, and build something real with.
There is room in my life to remember my daughter and to hope for that, too
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